Watch out for that pole!

My daughter shared with me something she learned in her driver's ed course: If you're losing control of your car, DO NOT focus on the pole you're headed for, or you'll hit it. Instead, focus on where you WANT to go. This will engage your brain and your hands to help get you where you want to go.

Interesting...

Same goes for problems: If you focus on a problem in the hope of solving it, you'll end up with ... a bigger problem! And if someone else is doing what you don't want them to do and you try to "fix" them, you'll end up with ... more of what you don't want!

Now I think I finally understand Einstein's quote:

One cannot solve a problem

with the same mindset

that created it in the first place.

Society's solution to relationship problems is to focus on them. But what if this is the mindset that created the problem in the first place?

What do we do when we see someone else's behaviour as the problem? We do whatever we can to "fix" them: criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish and bribe. We may coerce, manipulate or bully. If it's our spouse or unruly kid, we may ignore them, throw them out, or put them on meds. Or we may go beyond all that to giving up and feeling hopeless, helpless and despairing. And what do we get? More of what we DON'T want!

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." After all, we only want the best for ourselves and others, don't we? We only try to control and change others because we know what's right, and we only try to make them feel bad so they'll behave well, right?

But it could be that believing we can and should get others to do what we want is the mindset that creates most of our problems with them. Maybe, instead of trying to "fix" them, it's time to recognize our contribution to the mess we find ourselves in and start creating what we do want.

So how do we turn this around? Certainly not by doing more of what doesn't work! (That's Einstein's definition of insanity.)

Well, let's get our eyes back on the road:

• How would you like things to be?
• What kind of relationship would you like to have with your spouse, your boss, your co-worker or your client?
• Do you know anyone who has relationships like that? (If you don't know anyone in real life, pick a fictional character. My favourite was always Melanie Hamilton from Gone with the Wind.)
• Now look closely: What do they do differently?
• Which one of those behaviours could you work on this week?

Send in your successes. And remember: Keep your eyes on the road ahead, not on the pole!

Healthy boundaries

Everybody knows what boundaries are:

Boundaries are limits I set

on other people's behaviour

that I expect them to respect and adhere to.

And everyone knows the language:

• "Don't ask me to cover for you."
• "Don't ask me to do your job."
• "Don't show up late for the meeting tomorrow."

But if these are the kind of boundaries you set, you're in for trouble, because you can't enforce them. They'll only work if others respect them, so you really have no control over them.

Here's an alternate definition of boundaries:

Boundaries are limits I set

on my own behaviour

that I respect and adhere to.

Compare these to the list above:

• "I won't cover for you."
• "I won't do your job for you."
• "The meeting starts at 9:00 a.m. sharp tomorrow."

Now you have clear boundaries that don't depend on anyone else for their success!