The problem with external control

According to William Glasser, author of Choice Theory, all long-term problems are relationship problems: the person has one or more relationships that aren't working as well as they'd like.

And all relationship problems are control problems:

• We're trying to make someone else do what they don't want to do,
• we're trying to prevent someone else from making us do what we don't want to do, or
• we're trying to make each other do what neither wants to do.
  

So why do we do this? Because we think motivation and control are external to us, and we don't understand that we choose everything we do.

The following three beliefs from Choice Theory express this best (italics mine):

FIRST BELIEF: I answer a ringing phone, open the door to a doorbell, stop at a red light, or do countless other things because I am responding to a simple external signal (not because I have chosen to do them).

SECOND BELIEF: I can make other people do what I want them to do even if they do not want to do it. And other people can control how I think, act, and feel.

THIRD BELIEF: It is right, it is even my moral obligation, to ridicule, threaten, or punish those who don't do what I tell them to do or even reward them if it will get them to do what I want. (p. 16)

Attacking, appeasing and avoiding describe general strategies, but there are specific behaviours related to external control which contribute to an emotionally unsafe work environment:

• criticizing
  
• blaming
• complaining
• nagging
• threatening
• punishing
• bribing
  

These behaviours foster gossip, mistrust, fear, manipulation, lying, sabbotage, and cover-ups, to name just a few.

So what's the alternative? It begins with recognizing that

The only behaviour you can control is your own.

And that belief leads to an entirely different set of behaviours which contribute to an emotionally safe work environment:

• supporting
• encouraging
• listening
• accepting
• trusting
• respecting
• negotiating differences

Over the next few weeks, I'll explain these in depth, with lots of stories and examples to illustrate these principles. So stay tuned! We've just begun!

And by all means offer comments and stories of your own!